The Great Divide: Does pineapple go on pizza?

By Doc Anderson

Staff Writer

         We live in a world at war. Not a kinetic or typical war, but a far more dubious and potentially destructive conflict. Two sides, deeply entrenched in their beliefs, battle on a virtual battlefield for moral superiority. These keyboard warriors take shots at each other to further the agenda of their cause. There is no peace. There is no compromise. There is no surrender. These two armies polarize a nation as they recruit new soldiers to replenish the ranks of their fallen brethren who were banned on social media for too many community guideline violations. As a member of the one true and righteous army, I plead with the nation to wake up and realize that pineapple on pizza is, and always will be, disgusting. The pineapple pushers on the opposite side have truly lost their way. 

         A bold claim? No. Rather, a claim rooted in decades of study and experimentation. Countless hours were spent pouring through the data (Facebook and Twitter polls). It is simple science, people. Want more science? Pineapple, being a fruit, cannot safely coexist on the same dish as another, more bitter fruit, the tomato. You cannot make a real pizza without pizza sauce and tomatoes are the stars of that crucial ingredient. Since both sides agree that a pizza made with Alfredo sauce is not a pizza, I will not acknowledge its existence.

To understand the insanity of the other side, we must first understand their unsophisticated and barbaric palates. These are the people that were constantly fed Doritos and McDonalds. We cannot blame them for their misguided sense of taste, they were simply raised that way. One day, they will wake and come to terms with their science denial. Until then, it is up to me and my keyboard rangers to stop the spread of misinformation. The purveyors of pineapples must be silenced.

Before I completely destroy the pineapple posse once and for all, I would like to take a second and explain why I am so militant over this issue. The United States of America is a both unique and precious experiment. Virtually every civilization before the construction of our country was a dictatorship or monarchy, which are virtually the same thing.

Over 200 years ago, a group of men got together and decided to create a new nation, dramatically different from anything in recorded history. A nation where everybody gets a voice, and every voice is heard. Banning people based on their opinions is completely counterproductive to education. We must listen to all voices and be grateful for voices of dissent. It is how we grow as a nation. We must protect our nation from the silencing of its citizens. Even if they enjoy a soggy piece of pineapple on their pizza.

It seems ridiculous to be so entrenched in such a silly idea. But everyday thousands of Americans take to Twitter or Facebook to engage in cyber warfare with their friends, family members, and even perfect strangers. Whether it’s Trump vs. Biden, Democrat vs. Republicans and of course pineapple or no pineapple on pizza, we must listen to our friends and conduct ourselves as rational adults. If you are righteous and deliver your idea in a calm and concise manner, you are liable to change a few minds. However, if your posts look anything like the beginning of this article, you are failing your cause and your personal relationships. We are only going to get through this tumultuous time together and that means listening to each other. Otherwise, you’re just another pineapple Nazi spewing garbage to an uninterested readership.

 But seriously, pineapple doesn’t belong on pizza.