Like cats and dogs

Eagle Editor-in-Chief Joelle Weatherford’s cat, Punkin, lounges in the chair that was definitely bought just for him and not his pregnant owner. (Staff Photo | Joelle Weatherford)

By Doc Anderson

Managing Editor

In the beginning, God created the heavens and Earth. Shortly after completing this masterpiece, he handed His/Her creation over to mankind. 

Mankind took dominion over the animals and inadvertently started the longest running war in the history of creation. The cat vs. dog companion war rages on to this very day. 

Today, I offer the undeniable solution to the age-old question, “Are cats better than dogs?”

The short answer is, yes. Inequivalently yes. Don’t get me wrong. Dogs have a place in our society. They are useful for sniffing out drugs, tracking down bad guys and they provide a modicum of protection. 

Unfortunately, that is where their usefulness ends. Cats are rebels and would not be caught dead working for humans. Cats are the kings of the animal kingdom; they bow to no one. The evidence is clear. The internet is filled with videos of cats slapping larger animals. 

They want all the smoke. Cats will never bend the knee to a creature it deems as inferior and to a cat, we are all inferior.

Dogs wag their tails and run up to their owners the second they walk through the door. Their love is unconditional, and they never hold their masters to a standard.  This inability to set and maintain standards is called enabling. 

Cats, on the other hand, expect their masters to maintain a strict and regimented routine. Their love is dependent on their master’s ability to care for them in return. Cats possess self-respect and as such, they hold their masters to a high standard. 

For centuries cats have held a mythical and supernatural reputation. We need only look to ancient Egypt to see examples of feline appreciation.

Cats and Ancient Egyptians go hand and hand. In fact, according to The National Geographic, “Cats were so special that those who killed them, even by accident, were sentenced to death.”

That’s right, kids. Killing a cat was considered more heinous than killing a human being. Incidental homicide was forgiven. Incidental feline-a-cide meant you were going to have to ride the lightning. Well, not lightning, but you were probably stoned to death.

Archaeologists have unearthed the remains of mummified cats in the burial chambers of their masters. I have never, in my life, heard of a mummified dog. Dogs were not suitable enough to accompany their masters in the afterlife. 

The civilization that created the pyramids in Giza, a feat that cannot be replicated today even with our technology, venerated cats.

Dogs are widely considered man’s best friend. Dogs are loyal. They accept their masters for who they are, faults and all. 

How many movies do we have about dogs dying for some kid? A thousand…maybe. But this behavior is not appealing to me as it inspires a stagnant life. 

Dogs are extremely codependent. They get nervous when we leave for work, they destroy, literally, everything in the house. Cats are relieved when we leave. 

They sunbathe in the rays reflected from a window. They sleep for 18 hours and when they want affection, they take it. If that still is not enough evidence for you, I leave you with the most definitive proof of feline supremacy.

It’s an old line but has proven to be timeless. “Cats rule and dogs drool.”